It's been a while since I've graced the pages of Console Domination because, quite frankly, French peasants aren't going to raid themselves and it was about time I left the house for a while. Unfortunately, Ulric got us lost on the way back from France, and we ended up going through a time portal and sixteen other dimensions in order to save the world or something. It was hard to keep track with what was going on at the time, with all the plot twists and new crew members that kept talking complete and utter trash.

Speaking about a completely nonsensical story, frustrating new characters and my righteous fury, how about that Final Fantasy XIII-2? You know, the game that's not really a game, just an attempt to fix terrible mistakes without any thought as to what the fucking point of the game was going to be?

Yes, Console Domination has given FFXIII-2 an 8.5, and I can't disagree with it. Paul knows what he's talking about, and if he didn't, there's a good chance that I would set a Polar Bear stampede to crush his house.

• Check out Paul's Final Fantasy XIII-2 review here.
• Check out Danielle's Final Fantasy XIII-2 video review here.

My problem isn't really with the game. It's with the name Final Fantasy.

I played Final Fantasy for a good four or so hours last December, because Namco Bandai are very nice people with very poor locks on their doors, not that many doors can withstand a body mass that is roughly 120% rage and muscle. And while it would be a downright lie for me to say the graphics were bad, or the gameplay wasn't fun, my tongue would turn black, fall off and crawl into Odin's beard before I could ever say this is an actual Final Fantasy game.

'But why Viking Gamer?? It's made by Square Enix isn't it? It's the same guys, right?' I can hear you say with your tiny pathetic mortal voices.

Yes, same people, same company, practically the same game as its predecessor, but with no fucking soul whatsoever.

As an article on Gamasutra pointed out, this game has no vision at all. Fixing mistakes is not a vision, neither is trying to appease fans, something they have pointed out time and time again. I don't know how to put this eloquently, so here it goes:

YOUR FANS ARE STUPID AND NOBODY EVER KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT. THEY AREN'T GAME DEVELOPERS, YOU ARE.

By Thor's sweaty testicles, how the hell was that ever going to be a good idea? Did anyone ever imagine that a small, pink pig demon thing with a face and body like a pillow with down-syndrome (commonly known as a Moogle) was going to be a great introduction to the series back in 1991? Did they do market research into it? Was it based on something as similarly ludicrous at the time!? No, Hironobu Sakaguchi put it in the game because he's the god damn boss and he wanted a floating, talking thing to be included in the game, and voila, the people got something they didn't know they had ever missed to begin with.

So in an attempt to please fans and mend mistakes, they released the same game again, only this time addressing issues and making the game far, far more awful in the process. You wanted minigames? Fucking BOOM, you have minigames. They have nothing to do with the main storyline, like riding a motorbike to escape Midgar (FFVII) or defeating someone in cards to impress a wealthy patroness (FFIX), no, they are as unceremoniously shoved into the game like my fist down a peasant's gullet to retrieve a dollar I pretend that he accidentally swallowed.

You want compelling characters? BOOM. Here's Noel. He has no clue at all of what he's doing at any given time, and gives Serah the vaguest of promises at the start of the game as to whether or not they'll find her sister. She goes with him because she wants to find her sister, as well as her husband Snow, and also save the world, which had no connection whatsoever to the rest of the story.

What's that critics? You're shakily getting to your feet to stand up to me on this issue? Pray, what do you have to say?

'We-well Viking Gamer, you said that you only played for four hours! How can you make a judgement based on that!?'

Because, you feeble minded peasant, in every other Final Fantasy, the entirety of the storyline wasn't squeezed into the first hour of gameplay. How do I know this? Because I've finished FF I, II, IV, VII, VIII, IX, X and XII, some of them more than once. I know this series like I know how to find peasants in a stack of hay (by burning the hay).

In FFVII, you don't leave Midgar til the second disc. In FFIV, you don't know who the antagonist is until Cecil has undergone a hugely pivotal change in both appearance and play style about six hours in.

FFXIII-2 starts with about 20 minutes of completely over the top fighting which leaves you sitting there twiddling your thumbs and wondering if watching snow fall is more interactive, before having a FUCKING QUICK TIME EVENT (more on this soon) to decide a battle. Then, over the next hour, Noel drops in, half-heartedly attempts to be a character, visits Serah, those two bond over nothing at all, Serah's narration says she 'knows she can trust him', then the dialogue option allows you to SAY AND THINK THAT YOU DON'T TRUST HIM, and then the duo go off into time warps with no clear goals, because Noel doesn't know what he's doing and Serah has no clue at all. All of this, the entirety of the games point and reason, in the first hour.

If anything deserved a slow clap and a slow death, it is this fucking game. Quick time events in a JRPG? A game where the point is to level up and find new items? A game that requires tactics, perseverance and skill to beat? How could adding quick time events be ANY MORE COUNTER-INTUITIVE!? What's the fucking point of obtaining the Sacred Blade of Valhalla if I'm going to die because I haven't pressed Square quickly enough!?

AM I GOING COMPLETELY INSANE!? DOES ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THIS!?

I could say something about how the addition of Pokemon (yes they are fucking Pokemon) is derivative to the game...so I will.

Remember what I said about compelling characters? Well now you can have Pokemon that don't talk or add to the story in any way in your party! Congratulations!

It's not like other characters and their personal story arcs have even been slightly interesting right? I mean, Cid's first, failed attempt to get into space (FFVII) didn't make him a fully fledged character did it? And Steiner's love affair (FFIX) didn't provide a memorable, heart-warming chapter of comedic relief did it?

Yes. Yes they did. And they were what made their games brilliant.

I could talk about how wrong it is to call this game a Final Fantasy for more than 25 hours, and to be fair I'd rather hear myself talk about how bad this game is for a year than finish the game.

But I haven't complained once about the score, and that's because of the one, very simple line I stated earlier. It's not a Final Fantasy. It's a JRPG with the same name.

As a JRPG I could enjoy this game. I would ignore the completely absurd storyline and focus on gameplay. I could happily go on a trip with Noel and Serah, understanding that yes, someone may have tried and failed to make two characters likable, but they'll do as vessels for me to play.

But as a Final Fantasy, as a part of a series that has set an unparalleled benchmark in game story-telling, a series that once knew that a simple animation of an arm sweep could carry with it all the emotion needed to convey the strongest of feelings...well, it's as lacking as a Viking without a Horned Hat, wearing a tie and working in accountancy. It has no soul.

Til next time,

The gamer with Horns on his Hat.